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what to do... [20 Jan 2014|01:14am]
I'm supposed to be doing something. Something to help others or make some difference in this life. I just don't know what *sigh*

Things have been difficult in my life the past few months. Trust lost. Hurt and broken.

Trying to find the joy in life. Searching.


Be strong. I still hear it.....be strong
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Happy New Year!!! [08 Jan 2012|12:18pm]
Wow, haven't been here in forever. Hope all is well with everyone though I'm not sure if anyone is out there anymore. I'm going to New Orleans in a few weeks.... never been, but sooooo looking forward to it. Send me a message and let me know you're still alive :) *hugs*
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Can't take my mind off of you... [20 Mar 2011|04:22am]
[ mood | lost ]

Been sitting here listening to Mr Rice and reading the past. Wondering what you are doing...how you are doing? Wondering...wishing...wanting. At one time I was better at expressing myself, but now the words don't seem to flow the way they once did. They seem forced or stuck, deep down. I don't know, I'm lost I guess. What I do know is I miss you and think often of you. Yeah, I know I haven't written, but it doesn't mean I forgot. Never have forgotten.

Wish there was another way......to find my friend. I need you. I miss you.

Can't take my mind off of you...

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[20 Mar 2011|01:28am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Sometimes I just feel like I'm falling apart...

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*sigh* [25 May 2010|11:17pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I can't write on facebook like I can here. The big trouble started in October. My son and his explosive anger. We were in intensive therapy from November til mid February and things started to get better. We understood where his fear was coming from (anger is not an emotion it's just a reaction based on fear) and we continue to work on that. NOt only working on him but on how we parent. It's hard. I've learned a lot and have many new tools to work with. I'll admit that I've slipped now and again, but it's really hard to change something when you've only learned one way. Hubby is having a harder time. He doesn't see that his actions are part of the cause. I'm not saying what our son is doing isn't wrong, but we have to own our part.

When our son gets angry we must stay calm (it's so easy to say) Stay calm as your son punches a hole in the wall. Stay calm when he calls you a bitch. Stay calm and say "you look and sound angry right now" (validate his feelings) Stay calm. Breathe. The calmer you stay and show no reaction to his violence it will end. Oh yes, there will be consequences to this behavior, however you must STAY CALM and wait until things settle (this may take a couple of hours or maybe a good night sleep) Don't parent out of anger. It's so damn hard. stay calm and breathe.

Like I had mention before, hubby is having a hard time. He can not stay calm and this is causing massive explosion in the house. He is parenting out of anger, giving consequences in the heat of the moment, therefore escalating the situation. He is not owning his part. When I calmly discuss the matter with him he slips into a depression and threatens to leave or kill himself.

I am tired. I am tired of dealing with an angry teenager and a father who is not using the tools we learned in the 3 months of intensive therapy. I am hurt and sad that the 6 year old is seeing all of this. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but I am trying and I just want the hubby to try harder.

Yes, we are still in therapy once a week for all of us. Will this ever end?

Just remember to stay calm and breath.

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[20 Jan 2010|08:22am]
Just wondering... are you still out there?
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[28 Sep 2009|08:09am]
Wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! Hope all is well with you and the family. Miss chatting with you!!! *hugs*
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[01 Jun 2009|11:56pm]
Haven't been here in a long while. Was thinking of you and hoped you may have stopped by, but no such luck. HOpe you are well ...you're still in my heart.
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[29 Apr 2009|10:24am]
You're still in my thoughts. I hope all is well. I miss you!
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[24 Dec 2008|11:33am]
Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!
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[03 Oct 2008|12:40pm]

I'm slipping
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[03 Oct 2008|12:34pm]
hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again
down on my knees and my hands in the air again
pushing my face in the memory of you again
but i never know if it's real never know how i
wanted to feel never quite said what i wanted
to say to you never quite managed the words to
explain to you never quite knew how to make
them beleivable and now the time has gone
another time undone hopelessly fighting the
devil futility feeling the moster climb deeper
inside of me feeling him gnawing my heart away
hungrily i'll never lose this pain never dream of
you again

R. Smith
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[03 Oct 2008|12:27pm]
"kiss me goodbye" pushing out before i sleep
it's lower now and slower now the strangest
twist upon your lips but i don't see and i dont
feel but tightly hold up silently my hands
before my fading eyes and in my eyes your
smile the very last thing before i go...
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[02 Oct 2008|10:41am]
Happy anniversary Mom and Dad. I love and miss you very much.
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[28 Sep 2008|11:55pm]
I've been meaning to do this all day and with only 5 minutes left...

Happy Birthday!

I still think about you often and miss you much *hugs*
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[15 Sep 2008|10:43am]
It's what? The third week of school and Christopher is struggling once again. I try my best to keep his backpack organized. I ask him daily what his homework is. I check online to see how he is doing in his classes (they do not post his homework) and all I see is missed assignments and F's. *SIGH* I don't know what more I can do other then accompany him to school and hold his hand through it. He's in eighth grade. When is he going to get it? When is he going to understand that you have to work and sometimes it's hard work and most of the time you don't want to do it, but you do to get a decent grade.

I don't know what to do and it's not getting easier *sigh*
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[10 Aug 2008|07:07pm]
I don't think I can do this anymore

I don't think I have the strength.

It's horrible to have the feeling that you don't want to be a mom anymore
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For those of you in Southern California... [31 Jul 2008|09:05am]
Join the ShakeOut!
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Hope to see you all there!!!

To register please go to...

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update (about time) [30 Jul 2008|12:07am]
wow....it's been awhile *sigh*

I really don't know where to start. A lot has been going on.

My hair has grown, so much so that I've had it cut twice. I've also had it high-lighten so it's almost the color it was before. My stylist cut off all the frizzy fuzzy stuff so it's short but it's growing out like my hair used to be *SMILE*

Took the family to Colorado and had a wonderful time with my brother and his family. They want us to move out there with them and honestly we are considering it. It's beautiful there and I think it would be a better place for the kids to grow up. Just wish the market wasn't so bad..... we had a lot of equity in the house but it's pretty much gone now *sigh* guess we will have to wait until the market goes up a bit.

Christopher is going to be 14 in September... I really don't know where the time goes. He's been having a rough time as of late and I'm at a loss as to how to help him. His anger takes over him and it's starting to get a bit scary at times. He's a good kid, but I just don't know where all this anger comes from and how to help him. I hope one day I will figure it out.

Josh is as silly as ever and just a joy to be around. He can always bring a smile to my face. He turns 5 in November.

Hubby is doing good. He's really been a help around the house and with the kids.

As for me. I'm doing wonderfully. I'm feeling like my old self. I'm skin seems to be back to normal (after the chemo my skin made me look old) and of course as mentioned above my hair is getting there :) But the most important thing is I'm feeling great!!!

It's late and I'm beginning to fade so I will close for now.


you're still in my thoughts.
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[08 May 2008|11:51am]
What a surprise when I check on our checking account today *smile* an extra $1800 *smile* dare I thank Mr. Bush for it???

Hmmmmmm what should I do with it all???

Now if I were celticcowboy68 I might buy myself some bacon... You know the good quality stuff from Canada :P

but maybe I'll just save it for a rainy day *shrug*

If I get anything good with it I'll let you know :)

Have a wonderful day
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